Embracing Self-Empathy

When it comes to the word ‘empathy’ we often think about empathizing with someone- but how often do you think about empathizing with yourself? When I first heard about self-empathy it took me a while to process the entire idea. How could I empathize with myself?

At the beginning of this pandemic I found myself at home, isolated with a 6 month old and a 2 year old- oftentimes without any other help as my partner, although home, was still in his office working. He did his best but this time period was a big struggle for me. Initially I found myself trying to recreate the daycare learning environment for my 2 year old while remaining attuned to my infant trying to ensure that I was tending to her attachment needs and promoting activities so she could reach all her milestones.

After one week of this I was done. The TV went on and a lot of my activities and plans went out the window. I felt terribly about all of this. I felt as though I was failing my children and stunting their development- this was all so new to me and I was in unchartered waters.

But pretty soon after, I empathized with myself and let it go. I was doing my absolute best for my children but I also needed to keep my head above water and take care of myself. After all, this wasn’t ending anytime soon (the total isolation lasted for 4 months so thank goodness I made that decision early on!).

I had to self-empathize and acknowledge the difficulties I was facing. I had to understand that I was doing whatever I could given my specific situation. And if that meant my children would get less one-on-one time with me, and more screen time, that was ok. And if that meant I didn’t have a regular teaching schedule for my 2-year-old, that was ok. I forgave myself for all of that.

I realized that I was in a very unprecedented (if you live in Canada, you haven’t heard this word enough, so you’re welcome) time in life and I could just not do what I expected of myself initially. Plus I also had to clean the house, make meals, do laundry, and be a present partner. But more importantly, I learned that I had to be present for myself.

When it comes to caregiving, it can be so easy to get angry and frustrated with ourselves. To guilt ourselves. To feel that we could always and should always do better.

Self-Empathy: An Example

Take the following thought process that a caregiver, Joe, found himself experiencing one day after finding out his mother fell in her home:

‘I should have been there yesterday- if I was there my mom would have never fallen down and she would not have been in the hospital. I am foolish. How could I have slept through my alarm?’

However, in Joe’s case, he was extraordinarily burnt out, and in fact needed several days off to recover. Instead of arranging for this needed time, Joe missed his alarm and slept for one extra hour that day, as he was not sleeping well at night due to experienced stress.

Being a caregiver is such a demanding task and we need to understand and recognize that we are doing the best we can in a presenting situation. In the scenario above, Joe was doing his best and went above and beyond and just could not push any further. His body was drained and needed rest.

Joe needed to understand his own situation and accept that he just needed that extra hour of sleep for his own sanity and ability to cope. And when his mother fell, it was not his fault. It was an external circumstance that he happened to assert blame on himself for given that he felt he should have done more. He should have been there.

Do parts of this scenario sound familiar to you? Can you identify ways in which you can practice self-empathy acknowledging that you are doing all you can and are in a very challenging situation?

Share your story

For more on self-empathy or to share your story, please reach out to us on any of our social media platforms.

As always, we are glad you are taking us on this journey with you.

-Stephanie Muskat, MSW, RSW