A question I get a lot as a therapist and mental heath clinicians for caregivers, but also a question I have thought about myself (having been a caregiver for my mom with dementia)… Will This Ever End?

I first want to define what ‘*this*’ is. It can be any of the following:

-the grief and deep pain over the change and loss of your loved one
-the guilt that can be felt whenever you are not helping or supporting your loved one
-the loss of self you may feel as your entire life role shifts to providing care
-the middle of the night wake ups from potential confusion as a result of a diagnosis
-the changes in your relationships with others due to the wide array of changes in your life
-the fear of what the future may hold
-the changes in your financial situation as a result of your caregiving and your loved one’s changes

And the list goes on….

If you are nodding right now or a light bulb just went off above your head, well, I am with you. I have been there. And so have SO many caregivers out there. I hear this almost daily in sessions with my clients and I can assure you that you are not alone.

So now to answer the question that you have come here for….

Yes. This will end.

I don’t know when and I don’t know how but NOTHING stays forever. Nothing. And when you are deep in it, it can feel as though everything is beyond overwhelming and that it will stay this way forever…and that the pain or the grief or the sadness or the anxiety will not stop. But it will. One way or another, it will. Whether you are caring for a parent, a child, a sibling, all of the above.. It ends.

When we are deep in the throws of crisis or chaos or chronic stress we can’t wait for this to ‘end’ so that we can escape the pain and discomfort and constant changes. Yet we also cannot possibly fathom how this ends. I can tell you, that if you are here reading this then you are a resourceful person who is looking for answers and is willing to find answers and assert change. And I can also tell you that the change will come.

So what can help during this time:

-identify and write out the positive in the pain. We can frequently focus on the negative and the overwhelm and the painful and it is completely ok to do this as it is an important part of processing the situation you are in, but also noting what is positive in your life in this moment can be very important. And this can be as simple as: I made myself a coffee today and enjoyed it. It can even be: I allowed myself to cry and cleanse how I was feeling today- in my opinion that is definitely a positive in the pain.

-speak to others who may understand your situation- whether that be a support group or a facebook community, speak to others about how you are feeling and relate to others in the pain. Isolation and rumination of thoughts can make the pain feel more deep. Connection and community brings unity in the hard moments.

I also want to note here that you do not have to wait until this ends to change how you feel. Change can happen now. It can happen inside you with the pieces above and also work beyond this. We cannot always control what is outside of us, particularly when it comes to the many parts surrounding a loved one’s care needs. But we CAN work on how we react, perceive and process what is outside of us. We can work through whatever is going on in this moment. There are absolutely ways of processing and accepting and working through all of this in the here and now to make a difference TODAY without having to wait for years for you to finally feel ‘free’ or to feel as though you are no longer trapped in this horrible cycle of deep emotions.

This is actually what I do with clients every single day. We look at the chaos, the grief, the guilt, the patterns, the relational concerns, the ongoing flux of hardship, and we look within. What can WE do to identify the present and the now. So we can live as best as we can in the now and look towards more immediate change in US. To make this end the way it is from our perspective before the entire situation has to end one way or another.

If you are looking to start processing the shifts and changes and external concerns and cannot get through feeling trapped without an escape and not knowing what to do, we are here. We offer psychotherapy with a team of licensed, trained and experienced clinicians in Ontario and Alberta and we now offer caregiving coaching around the world. Plus ongoing webinars and workshops. We also have a podcast on many different caregiving topics with exceptional guests.

I am thinking of you in this moment and I know this too will pass in time.

-Stephanie