Grief is like a friend I don’t want... Who never stops reminding me it’s there. Please go away?

Oh Grief…

Just when you think you have processed it and are finally feeling better, something will trigger it to rear its uncomfortable (painful) head once again. ‘Hey, remember me? I’m baaaack!’.

It can be months or even years feeling as though I have moved forward from grief and then BOOM it hits me in the face. And I know I am not alone in this. So let’s talk about it, particularly the grief in relation to caregiving.

Grief in caregiving can look something like this: the person you once knew is no longer that person anymore. They may look like the person or sound like the person but who they once were is different. And when you see them you are reminded of this. ‘Hey mom! How are you?’ Mom doesn’t answer. Cue grief over loss of her engaging in a relationship with you. Mom soils her diaper. Cue grief over loss of who your mom was and the apparent role reversal. Your friend has a baby and has her mom with her every day to help. Cue grief over loss of who your mom was and the role she was ‘supposed’ to play in your current life. You get the idea.

So what can we do when we are hit in the face with the grief we so do not want to interfere with our lives at this moment in time?

We sit with it.

Yup. Completely and entirely contrary to what most will be inclined to do, it is actually beneficial to sit with and process the grief and allow it to be with us than to push it away and ignore it. But how do you sit with grief when it is all consuming and takes over your entire being and you just can’t have it there with you right now? You can’t handle the memories and the feelings? THAT is the deep work. Because it is hard stuff and it requires us to completely not only shift our thinking and processes but also develop coping strategies and ensure that we have the tools and the skills to manage when we are taken over (cue therapy).

So I will give you a personal example of what this can look like, as a reminder if you have been here before, or as a glimpse of what this can look like. From my own life.

A few weeks ago I had the stomach flu for 6 lovely days. Lying in bed, not even able to look at a screen since I was so dizzy and lightheaded, I suddenly found myself longing for my mom. My mom would have been the one to come over and help with the kids when I couldn’t care for them. My mom would have dropped everything to come and bring me some soup.

Now, no mom.

So I was hit with a sudden feeling of ultimate dread and doom. My mom is gone. My grandmother is gone. I need help. I don’t have them. How can I go on like this? Mind you I was also febrile and going to the bathroom every 2 minutes for days so I am sure my brain was on overdrive. But the grief hit and it hit very strongly. I had not felt this grief in maybe a year and just like that, suddenly it came to say hi and sit with me like the friend I don’t want. I wanted it to leave me alone I already felt so sick and I did not need this voice in my head. But I have done the work and I work with so many who are doing the work. I know how this goes. So instead of pushing it away or internally (or externally) yelling at it telling it to get the F out of my way, I welcomed it. I told it to sit with me and stay a while if it needed to. I allowed myself to feel it. I embraced it and acknowledged it. And guess what happened? It left. I allowed myself to acknowledge the pain and the hurt instead of battling with it and pushing it away, it had its moment and it left.

Something I also find very helpful when it comes to my work with clients is ‘cry time’ *. Clients will find a safe space in their home or elsewhere, put away all distractions and focus on their body and their thoughts. They will acknowledge and allow what is coming up to be present in their body and if tears arise, they allow them to flow. No fixing, no pushing away. Just letting it be. This process has been described by so many as cleansing and releasing. Some have noted a significant drop in overall anxiety as their emotions were building up inside without release, acknowledgement or awareness. And if you know the cup analogy, we can keep filling a full cup, but that cup will overflow. By allowing our emotions space and by processing and validating what we feel deep inside, we can make room in that cup for more. Overflow results in more anxiety, sadness and ultimately can lead to a significant emotional toll such as burnout.

If you are looking to work on processing and identifying emotions, an excellent book I love referring to with clients is ‘The Power of Focusing’ by Ann Weiser Cornell. I love this book because it helps you learn how to sit with yourself and your body sensations to tap into the feelings underneath these body sensations. I highly recommend it.

So how do you find you typically manage your grief? Do you tend to avoid and distract and repress or do you make room for processing and sitting in the grief? Or maybe you are somewhere in between.

*Before engaging in the processes and exercises noted above I always recommend seeking professional support by a licensed and trained clinician who can guide you and ensure safety in these exercises.